by: Elizabeth Lewis
http://www.loveandlaughterlifecoaching.com
The first part of this blog I adapted from the book Satisfied by Jeff Manion. The end is my most recent reflection about what happens when we die.
When we are born our parents bring us home and everything that belongs to us fits into our nursery. We might sleep in a bassinette that’s no bigger than a BOX. We grow bigger and our toys start spilling over into the family room, then basement/garage/back yard, or whatever space you occupy. Your parents decide to get a bigger house to hold all the “stuff.” Bigger space means we have more room for more stuff. Then we get a bike, then a car and them comes college. All our “stuff” fits into mom’s van and your car. After college and 1st job you get your starter home and repeat the process. By now you need a small U-Haul to move it all. Bigger homes to fit the toys and “prized possessions.” When our kids flee the nest, perhaps we downsize. Go back to a more manageable space (b/c the kids have taken most of their “stuff”). We continue growing older. We get slower, weaker and well… we just do what older people do. We are all on our way to dying. If we need to manage a smaller space or have ill health, perhaps we have to move to retirement living then maybe even a nursing home… until the day comes when you pass away, and they roll you out in a BOX!
Here is my most recent realization (I guess one has to be around 50+ to even think about things like this). When we are gone from this place, our “stuff” ends up in a BOX. Our loved ones have to clean everything out and what they can’t part with yet, they put in a BOX. These are wonderful memories of their loved one. When my husband died (over 15 yrs ago) I had 12-15 boxes full of his “stuff” that I thought I needed to hold on to (HS yearbooks to share with the kdis one day, clothes in case my son wanted them when he got bigger, photo albums, etc). As each year went by, I’d sift through the boxes and eventually give away (to other family members—to keep in what? A BOX!) Here I am 15 years later and Wes’s things now take up about 2 boxes. When I pass, my kids will likely keep a box each in “their” basement because it’s just so hard to throw away. BUT … at some point, they, too, will throw away and well, their kids won’t even know their granddad (my husband). There will be no personal or emotional connection. So where do all those precious pictures, love poems, sweet cards end up? In a box or eventually, the trash. It’s NOT mean or even sad. This is just simply what happens the further we are emotionally from our loved one.
So…. I know when I die (hopefully a long time from now) my kids will do the same thing. They’ll keep a lot at first—sift through each year—tell stories to their kids and one day all physical evidence of my very short existence will be gone. No names in history books—no famous recognition. Just another living soul who was lucky enough to walk this Earth for a short amount of time.
How does this speak to you? Does it make you sad realizing where our human remains end? Does it motivate you to make a difference while you’re here? Maybe how you can leave a stronger legacy? Our legacy won’t be the amount of time our loved ones hold onto our BOX of stuff. It’ll be what we leave IN them. Did we pour goodness into them? Did they “catch” our good examples of character? Did they see Jesus and how to love one another? Did they witness how to treat/respond to people who think differently than we? Did we spend quality TIME with those we love? It all comes down to how we love. If we have trouble with loving, look to the example of Jesus. He is the perfect example and even though we will never attain that type of pure love, it’s a good goal.
So, since we don’t know how many days we have left on Earth… seems like we need to start loving larger. Love more often. Love more people. The Pandemic is fading so it’s time to start connecting again… time to make more memories and go on adventures. What stories will your kids tell about you? How will they respond when life gets hard? (Likely the same way YOU reacted). Will they remember you as a positive or a negative influence? If negative, is it too late? Is there anything you can do to change that now? YES!! Here is a good example….
I read a story in a magazine about a father who didn’t have a close relationship with his 2 kids. He was critical and had an overall negative outlook on life. He didn’t care much about what was going on in their lives because he was consumed with his own problems of unhappiness. He had become bitter, critical and skeptical in his old age. When his grandchildren were born, he apologized to his kids for his past behavior b/c he wanted a better relationship so he could know his grand kids. But the same behavior continued so even though forgiven, he didn’t have a relationship with his kids and now grandkids. When he realized he was the common denominator in all his failed relationships, he went to a religious retreat at his church. He did some deep reflection. Most of his behavior came from the way he was reared and his unknown attachment style. His actions were pushing others away. He decided before he died, he wanted to have a relationship with his kids/grands. So, he found a counselor, learned about his attachment style* and started to change his attitude and behaviors. The kids started to slowly see this transformation and started dropping some of their boundaries b/c he was becoming more safe. He got to start (for the first time) a good relationship with his kids. I bet the stories they told at his funeral had to do with his soul searching so he could leave more IN them.
Now… your afterlife? That is a whole other blog and those answers can be found in the Bible. So… knowing that all our “stuff” ends in a BOX in a basement, start living. Laughing, making memories. These things don’t fit into a BOX. Be honest. Soul search. Be kind. Seek God. Keep learning. Remain curious. Give love. Receive love.
* To learn more about Attachment Styles, read one of the following books:
1. How We Love by Kay and Milan Yerkovich
2. Attached by Amir Levine
3. Keeping the Love You Find by Harville Hendricks (a favorite)
4. Getting the Love You Want: A guide for Couples by Harville Hendricks (a favorite)
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