By: Elizabeth Lewis
Life Coach, Dating Consultant (www.loveandlaughterlifecoaching.com)
As some of you know, I’ve decided to write a book about dating…..sharing what I’ve learned while being in the single’s world, as well as from reading and talking to clients/friends. It’s very different the 2nd time around (the audience for this book will be best for 40+ 2nd time arounders (or 3rd or 4th). I’ll occasionally share excerpts here.
When I speak to groups of people about on-line dating I explain that dating is like a Consignment Shop….
- When you walk in the consignment shop (on-line site) and look at all the racks of clothes (single people), your 1st thought is WOW. Look at all these clothes (men/women). So many choices. Surely I’ll find something (someone) I’ll like.
- As you start looking though the racks (people), you find that most don’t look like your style (your type). You might say, “No way! Oh gross! Not in a million years! Eww! No way would I EVER put that on my body!” (Translation- no way would I go out with that person. I’m not at ALL attracted. Really? No teeth? 15 fishing pictures, too tall/short/young/old, etc). We all have our preferences. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s a good thing we don’t all have or like the same look. Just remember that there is a human being behind that profile. They are all looking for love, like you.
- Every now and then we find one outfit that looks good. “Hmmmm….. I might try on that one.” (Translation— the wink, send a message, do you like me? I like you).
- We put that outfit over our arm and keep looking through the rack because we’re not sure how it’ll fit us (Translation- We have to keep looking and stay available because we’re not sure how that last item- person- will fit).
- Eventually we go try on the outfits. (Translation- I call this the meet-n- greet. When you go and meet for the 1st time). I suggest trying on (talking to) 3-4 at a time and not 19-20. It gets a little overwhelming if you try to juggle too many.
- We usually know right away if it is a good fit or not- if it’s not, we put it back on the rack. That outfit will fit someone else better. It’s a nice outfit. Just not good for me. (Translation- he/she wasn’t my type but he’ll/she’ll be a good fit for someone else).
- If we are not totally sure….“Well, I think this (outfit) looks OK on me… I’m not sure how it’d go with my shoes or purse (will he like my kids, will she fit into where I am with my life?) So we buy it and see how it looks over time. (Translation- Another date. Go out again and see how it feels to be with this new person. Are we in the same place in our lives?)
- Over time we see how well that outfit is made (Translation– upbringing/ baggage) Is it falling apart? Poorly made? (Translation- did his momma teach him manners. Did she learn lessons on how to be a sweet, kind lady?) Some are definitely better made than others, right? We usually like those that were made similar to us (common values, character, upbringing, etc).
- We see how we feel while wearing it (Translation- how we feel with him, how he treats us). Is it versatile in all seasons? (Observe through every season).
- We might need to resell that outfit to the shop because it didn’t look as good as you thought it did. Back to the rack because it’ll be good for someone. Still a nice outfit. (Translation- after dating him/her you see that he/she is a nice person but not going to be a forever match/fit).
- Each week, new clothes come in to the shop so it’s important to go back and look (Translation- always new divorced/ widowed/ available men/ women — stay on line and/ or stay out there. Stay available to be found).
- You might even try a different Consignment Shop…upscale, down home, best prices…. (Translation– different internet sites/ different offerings/ different people).
- You may ask…. “Why even shop? It’s SO much work. Most of the items are either junk or don’t fit right or are too old looking, etc. It takes forever to find just one item worth trying on.” (Translation: Why work so hard to find a good match)?
- The answer……because we eventually find that GOLDEN NUGGET/ GEM that fits JUST RIGHT! (The ONE. The one we can live with forever. It looks good on us. It’s well made. Looks good with our accessories and has lasted and looks good in every season).
- So…. it’s worth it because shopping (dating) is fun and the right outfit makes us feel good and the best ones last FOREVER! (If dating isn’t fun, you probably need to take a break).
So…if you’re really ready to date, keep your profile up until you go exclusive with someone. Don’t just join for a month and say, “Well, I tried that and didn’t meet anyone OR only met creeps!” Yes, you may meet some creeps or not nice people. STAY ON. The longer you do it the quicker you find out how to refine your matches and meets. You’ll just get better at reading people. Stay on, even years, as long as you’re at getting new meets/dates. It’s a great way to meet new people. It’s not the ONLY way, just one way to find others in your age range.
Alternatives to on-line dating will be in my book. Back to writing….