By: Elizabeth Lewis
As a relationship coach, I talk to a LOT of singles. Some are clients who share their most intimate thoughts and feelings about being single. Others are from the classes that I host every other week and lastly, a few who call or message me with their current dating woes… here are the myths I heard the most in 2019:
1. “You’ll find love if you quit looking.”
I’m sure many of you have heard this one. I’ve heard that “advice” usually from married people. Is that the same approach you’d take if you were looking for a job? “I’ll find the job I’m looking for if I just quit looking.” OR “The perfect house that we are looking for will present itself if we just keep looking.” No to all of those. I believe you need to stay open and available in all the ways you’re comfortable. Smile. Be a joy to be around. It’s OK to look at the ring finger of the opposite sex when you walk in the grocery store. It does not mean you are going to go over and tackle him/her for a date. With your full life, it is OK to be online and out there and available to be searched. God wired us for relationship. Just because you are looking for someone does not mean it’s a bad thing. That desire was put inside us, so search all you want as long as you don’t ignore your other life responsibilities (and the people in it) But, remain open with a mental attitude of abundance and not scarcity.
2. Men like it when a woman makes the first move.
It’s true that some men are flattered if they get asked out by a woman. If he’s interested, he’ll say yes and if he’s not he’ll give an excuse for his no (just like a woman would) but in the end, men like it when THEY are the pursuer. Wendy Walsh says, “Sperm chases egg.” Men KNOW they are supposed to pursue…. BUT, I will say…. it is the woman’s job to let them know she’s interested. Women need to do their part in letting them know you’d say yes if they ask. Flirt back if they’re flirting (and you’re welcoming it). Smile and make eye contact to let them know it’s safe to approach. So, bottom line… men… keep pursuing and ladies let them know it’s OK and safe to do so.
3. Nice guys finish last.
Even though it’s true that some women want a “bad boy” and the thrill of going against the grain of what they know is the right thing to do, but in the end, most women want a good man who will love and cherish them. Treat them like a princess and make good decisions…. Especially if they need a good role model for their children (young or old). Nice guys finish on top!! So, gentlemen… keep being nice and doing the right things. The right women will SEE you and let you know it’s safe to pursue!
4. Opposites Attract
At first, when strong attraction is there, we walk ourselves into thinking opposites attract. But, over time, this is not true. Christian Carter says, “Opposites Attract and then Attack.” It is more the norm to have common future desires, values, ethics, cultural backgrounds, similar financial habits and similar religion. In the end, the opposite things will drive you apart and the common interests will drive you closer.
5. Online dating is for liars, cheaters and desperate people.
I could go all day on this one. First, if someone online is lying or cheating, that is NOT an online dating problem. That is a HUMAN character problem. If you met that same person in church or on the street, if they’re a liar or cheater, they’ll still lie and cheat. Match.com (or any other site) doesn’t encourage you to lie about your age or pictures, etc. And as for being desperate? I’d have to disagree with that, as well. If you’re working full time and/or rearing kids and have a full life, it’s one of the best places to go. You can type in your age range, and preferences and have thousands of people that are in your same boat. Offline if you go to a party and meet 10 new people and like 2 of them. You call those 2 and meet them/go on a date. Over time you’ll learn what type of people they are and hope 1 sticks. Online dating is just like a big party. You might like 10 people and talk to 2 of them. You meet and figure out if you’re a good match to continue dating. Because we all have our own unique preferences, there is someone for everyone. It’s not the ONLY way to meet someone, but it’s one of many great ways. I’d say some of the best men I’ve dated, I’ve met from online.
6. I don’t have time to date.
If you have time to eat, you have time to date. This is a good cover for those who have been burned or have had a bad experience with dating. So instead of telling people that they’re struggling, they just say, “I don’t have time.” I feel sure that if you were ready to date and met someone in which you were attracted, you’d somehow find time. (There are many other excuses I hear about covering up hurt, but this one is one I heard most often this past year).
7. Dating apps (like Tinder, Hinge and Bumble) are just for hookups.
This is a very popular myth! If you’ve heard that, you’ve likely turned around and said it to others. Then those others don’t even give it a try. You’ll find players, marrieds, people looking for threesomes and those who want forever love. Dating apps are just yet ANOTHER way to meet people in your same boat. So, it IS true that you ‘can’ find those who are just looking for a hookup. (You’ll also find those in church, in the grocery store and at every bar in town looking for the same). But there are plenty—millions, in fact—of people who long for real human, forever connection, just like you. If the conversation turns sexual after you have connected, you can just “unmatch” them and move on. So just proceed with caution, like you would on any other site or in real life, and definitely message a little before meeting. I’ve met some wonderful friends from Tinder and Bumble.
8. Dating is too disappointing and there’s too much rejection.
Ahhhh… no one likes rejection, right? Not men OR women, but unfortunately, if you want to date, this will likely be something each of you will at some point encounter. Here are some thoughts on the matter:
- Rejection is God’s Protection- sometimes we don’t understand why we’re getting rejected but in hindsight (or perhaps we never know why) we’re being protected from someone who is not good for us.
- Think of dating like someone in sales. You might have to get 100 no’s before you get a yes. You might think, “What? 100 no’s???” Yup… BUT not only does the yes feel so good, you’ll become a better screener and will eventually get fewer no’s and more yes’s.
- The rejection is not always about you. S/he may not be in the same place as you or has different preferences, so look at the rejection as a good thing. Now you’re open and available for the person that IS right for you. So the rejection many times is a blessing.
9. “Something must be wrong with him/her. He/she has been single for ten years and still hasn’t found anyone.”
This is yet another negative, inaccurate judgment. There are so many factors that go into finding the right person. Society’s pressure of being ‘married to be worthy’ is an unspoken pressure. No one says it out loud but it’s heard by questions such as, “Why hasn’t someone snatched you up yet?” OR “Why are you still single? In my book, I quote that “Dating is 90% timing and 99% don’t work out! Only 1 makes it in the end.” There are many reasons why someone is not a match. Should you just give up? Of course not! Dating is about learning. The more you date, the more you learn. You learn what you like and don’t like, need and don’t need. If you are a high-quality man or woman, you must remain open for the same to find you. I have many high-quality men/women friends. Stay the course, keep connecting, keep going on dates and meeting new people, keep working on you, pray, find ways to serve others, keep your active, enriching and fun life. God is still refining you and your future mate. It is going to be more than amazing when it happens.
Have you ever thought about hiring a Life Coach/Relationship Coach to help you date or with your life? You might think, I don’t need a Life Coach…. You might not… BUT …. I believe everyone needs a therapist and a life coach. Me included. I have both. If one is available to you (there are many of us out there) and you’d like to learn a new way of thinking about dating/life that might move you to a more forward/positive place, why not give it a try? What if you can’t afford it? Save your money! It’ll be worth it and add value to your life if you have even ONE of the above limiting beliefs. (If you would like to use ME as your Life Coach/Relationship Coach, you can find my rates (and all the things/classes/coaching that I offer) at http://www.loveandlaughterlifecoaching.com/
If you choose to not hire a Life Coach/Relationship Coach, surround yourself with POSITIVE people who support your efforts in dating and life and won’t bring you down with negative talk about the process. You ARE worthy of love and if you BELIEVE it’ll happen — it WILL!! (If you believe it won’t, that will also come true).
There are many other MYTHS in the dating world… I just picked a few that I’ve heard most often this year. There are many perspectives around different ways to date, sex, how to best communicate off and online, do’s and don’t’s and pros and cons of online dating, etc….. I’d be happy to share more with you either by reading my book or having a 15 min. FREE consultation to see if we are a good fit for each other. (No pressure to hire me).
** I also coach married men/women, and all ages. Life Coaching is about helping people move forward in LIFE!**
If you’d prefer to start with reading my book, here is the link… https://www.amazon.com/First-Date-Next-Mate-Perspectives/dp/1723909971/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1560166102&sr=1-1
I hope for YOU to find GREAT love in 2020! I hope you’ll reach out if I can be of ANY assistance to you!