Singles and Their Stinkin’ Thinkin’
by: Elizabeth Lewis
Life Coach/Relationship Coach/Author/Speaker
As a Life Coach/Relationship Coach, I am a professed love-a-holic…. I LOVE love! Even though I can coach most any client (any age or category) ready to move forward in life, I work a lot with singles. Mostly “Next” time around singles…. meaning divorced, widowed, or even a little older and never married. After talking with singles for 7 years, coaching for 4 years, authoring a book about dating the “Next” time around, I’ve seen the following patterns/MYTHS in singles’ stinkin’ thinkin’. (So listen up singles and STOP having these limiting beliefs!!)
- “There are no more good men (women) out there.”
Singles are STILL saying this AND the worst part is they believe it to be true. It’s NOT true. Good men (and women) are everywhere…. God gives them to us every day and we get the free will to choose them or not. You have to BELIEVE they are everywhere and then guess what? You’ll actually start SEEING them everywhere.
- “I’m not _____ enough.” (Thin enough, young enough, pretty enough, smart enough, rich enough, etc.)
If you look around at all the couples out there, you’ll find MANY that are NOT thin, not so young, live paycheck to paycheck and/or don’t have a college degree or even are not very pretty/handsome. If you don’t think you’re “enough” then that is the vibe you’re putting out there and it escapes through the energy of who you are. You might say, “I try to be positive,” and you might occasionally say a positive thing or two (like it’ll happen in God’s time) but if you examine the comments you say out loud to your other single friends, it’s usually not that positive (and you’d like to believe that God will bring him/her to you but the bible doesn’t tell us He’ll bring that special someone to us. All we can do is be/become the right person and the person we are looking for will appear BUT with free will, we STILL get to choose them or not). Remember, good men/women are actually everywhere.
- “Online dating stinks and just doesn’t work!”
If you’re online and are actually meeting people (I call these “meet-and-greets”), then you’re having a SUCCESSFUL time with online dating. Online dating ‘success’ doesn’t mean you go online and find “the one” in the amount of time you are subscribed. Success means using it as the introduction service that is is to actually meet singles (in real life) you would not otherwise meet. Just as you might go to a party and meet 10 new “friends” and maybe like 1-2 of them. Going online shows you thousands of singles in your age group and area, and you might find 1-2 you’d like to explore more. AND if you only try it for a few months, that’s not long enough to give it a full try. That’s like saying, “I went to 2-3 parties and didn’t find the one so I’m not going to go to any more parties. Going to parties just didn’t work.”
- “The people on online dating sites are liars.”
Yes, you will see people online lying about their age and/or pictures… BUT… that is not online dating’s fault. It’s a human behavior problem. HUMANS lie. Dating sites don’t. People lacking confidence in who they are (believing they are ‘not enough’) choose to lie. The dating site doesn’t encourage them to lie. Also, you could go to all your offline places and find the same number of liars and cheaters. So again, it’s not the dating site’s fault. Dating sites are a GREAT way to meet new people who are also ready to love again. (Not the ONLY way but one way). ** If you have not had luck doing this, I CAN help you with this! **
- I’ve heard that Tinder is just a “hook-up” app.
Tinder does have the reputation of being a hook-up app. You’ll find players, marrieds, people looking for a three-some AND people wanting a forever love. Can you also find these with the paid dating sites? Or at a bar? Or even at a church? You can. I look at Tinder (and other apps like this) as yet another way to meet people you would not otherwise meet. The men (and women) who want sex only will very quickly let you know through messaging each other, that that’s what they’re looking for. If that is not a match for you, you simply ‘unmatch’ them. I suggest you try Bumble. It’s similar, but the women have to message first within 24 hours (or the match goes away) and the man has to respond in 24 hours, or it goes away.
- “I give up! I’ve been single ___ years. If it hasn’t happened by now, it never will.” (Ever said or heard this one?)
LISTEN, folks…. Society’s pressure of being ‘married to be worthy’ is an unspoken pressure. No one says it out loud but it’s heard by questions such as, “Why hasn’t someone snatched you up yet?” OR “Why are you still single? You are pretty and seem like a quality woman?” OR “You’ve been single how long? Why have you never remarried?” OR “You’re 50 and have never been married?” Sound familiar? There is judgment in the question! Singles do NOT like these questions because it adds to the unworthy feelings they are already having. Just because you have been single 10 yrs., 15 yrs., even 20+ yrs. does NOT mean it won’t happen and it especially doesn’t mean you’re not good enough! SOCIETY applies this pressure and singles also apply to it to others in the single’s world. Let me give a recent, personal example. I have had people say, “Elizabeth’s a relationship coach and hasn’t married anyone yet? What does she know about dating and finding love?” (Implying that I’m not worthy or how can I be a good coach or know what I’m talking about). Actually, I DID have an amazing love (who died on 9/11/05) and if I never love again, I was lucky to have had that kind of love. Now, I could believe I’m a no good coach or person or unworthy of love and spiral down to that negative, “There must be something wrong with me” place OR I could know the truth about me… that I’m a total catch, have LOTS of love to give the right man who is ready, am an amazing God-fearing, loyal high-quality woman who is totally worthy (and I have a strong belief that it WILL happen and have no doubts about it.) Just maybe not by society’s unspoken standard. (It’s also possible to be a couples therapist and not be married and a single minister can also counsel married couples, etc.) So, stop judging about your not married/remarried friends. (My book covers MANY reasons why this can be an issue the “next” time around).
- “I don’t NEED a Life Coach/Relationship Coach to help me date or with my life.”
You might not… BUT …. I believe everyone needs a therapist and a life coach. Me included. I have both. If one is available to you (there are many of us out there) and you’d like to learn a new way of thinking about dating/life that might move you to a more forward/positive place, why not give it a try? What if you can’t afford it? Save your money! It’ll be worth it and add value to your life if you have even ONE of the above limiting beliefs. (If you would like to use ME as your Life Coach/Relationship Coach, you can find my rates (and all the things/classes/coaching that I offer) at www.loveandlaughterlifecoaching.com). If you choose to not hire a Life Coach/Relationship Coach, surround yourself with POSITIVE people who support your efforts in dating and life and won’t bring you down with negative talk about the process. You ARE worthy of love and if you BELIEVE it’ll happen — it WILL!!
There are many other MYTHS in the dating world… I just picked a few that I hear most often. There are many perspectives around different ways to date, sex, how to best communicate off and online, do’s and don’t’s and pros and cons of online dating, etc….. I’d be happy to share more with you either by reading my book or having a 15 min. FREE consultation to see if we are a good fit for each other. (No pressure to hire me). ** I also coach married men/women, and all ages. Life Coaching is about helping people move forward in LIFE!**
The book link on Amazon (where you can also read some great reviews and preview my book) is
To schedule a FREE 15 min. consultation, click here.
I LOVE people, LOVE my clients and LOVE love….. I’m here to help you stop this Stinkin’ Thinkin’.
** For my married friends…. I still have a group called Connecting Couples. This fall I’d like to start a Monthly Marriage Mentoring Class. I’d love to get couples who are doing GREAT… and keep them GREAT so they don’t end up in my single’s class…. Stay tuned!
Feel free to contact me via Facebook https://www.facebook.com/loveandlaughterlifecoaching/ or through email Elizabeth.firstname.lastname@example.org