Society’s Bad Advice About Dating
by: Elizabeth Lewis
Life Coach/Relationship Coach/Author/Speaker
Book Title: First Date Next Mate: Perspectives in Dating the “Next” Time Around
Society gives us terrible advice about dating.
“It’s time to get out there! Start going on some dates!”
“Man, you’re dating a lot. Slow down!”
“It’ll happen when you quit looking.”
“Oh, my. He’s never been married? Hmmmm.” **furrowed eyebrow**
Singles are dating with the pool of options they have in their area, at the time, in which they’re single. Yes, the world is our oyster but unless you have the time and money to travel the world meeting new people and/or don’t care how far you are from family/work/church, etc, you have only as far as you’re willing to go. Granted, some need to open that range of options but singles (especially single parents) still have boundaries and responsibilities of their current reality. The pool they have is the pool they’re in. If you’re single, are you out there swimming… or at least floating? (If you’re drowning… contact me!)
Everyone that is looking for a life partner (and not everyone is) needs to be engaging in all sorts of activities where singles might be—a single’s party, speed dating, dating online, church functions, saying yes to a variety of social activities/invitations (more examples in my book).
Society wants you to meet the old-fashioned way like bumping into someone in the grocery store or pure dumb luck. Singles would actually like that, too, but if it’s not happening, singles need to get better at educating society with what it’s like out there and the options available to us. You’ll probably hear loads of negative comments about dating whether off or online… but there is way more good than bad (if your mind sees things with the right perspective). We need to let go of limiting beliefs (mostly the limits we put in our brain ourselves or by listening to society) and remain open to what will happen. God gives us good men and women every day. We have the free will to choose them or not.
Why does society put pressure on the timeline for being single?
- 37 and not married yet? Oh, that’s bad/sad for her.
- Divorced for 15 years now? Something must be wrong with him/her!
- Widowed and hasn’t remarried after 10+ years. Oh, he/she must be looking for someone like their deceased spouse (like that could happen).
- He just got divorced a month ago and he’s already in a serious relationship!
Singles…. listen…. There is NOTHING wrong with you! Maybe there IS something wrong with all the negative things rumbling around in your head but you’ve put those thoughts there. They are not the truth. You “believe” those thoughts as truth and are looking for evidence of that truth (and those things are not even true)! You are a naturally creative, resourceful and whole human being that is learning different perspectives in dating. There is NO rule that says if you’re not married (or remarried) by (fill in length of time) you’re broken goods, unworthy, high maintenance, too old/fat/dumb/tall, etc or something surely must be wrong with you. The timeline is not the same for everyone because each has his/her own things to work through in his/her own time. The important thing is that you’re doing “the work.”
Society—there is nothing wrong with singles… each is figuring out his/her own needs and because dating is 90% timing… it’s just a different world out there (especially for “next” time arounders) and there is a lot to learn about it. The learning is in the dating. Everyone is worthy of love. So withhold judgment and build up your single friends. Include them in activities. Introduce them to YOUR other single friends. They’ll likely just be friends but through friends, they’ll meet new friends and have an engaging life!
So singles…stop listening to “Hurry up! Slow down! Take your time! Stop looking! Get online! Get offline already!” Wayne Dyer says all delays are beneficial. Keep an open heart attached to nothing and yes you WILL meet your forever partner at the right time and don’t listen to everyone else’s judgment of “Why are you still single?” Learn ways to be happy with YOU first and foremost. The rest will happen when it’s supposed to.
I am a Life Coach and work with a variety of people (ages 19-80). Many of my clients are single and I offer a Life, Love and Dating class (that meets every other Tuesday in Louisville, KY) If you’d like to join us, contact me on Facebook (Elizabeth Baughman Lewis). I also do one-on-one coaching with anyone (in the US). Single or not. I can coach you over the phone, Facetime, Skype, etc. Go to my website to learn more!
(I’ve also started a marriage/couples enrichment class for those of you dating or married!) Something for everyone!
Love is on the way to find you. BELIEVE it to be true!